The columnist finalists: a middle-aged depressive woman ranting on about her comfort food chocolate burying the hate of working for a younger woman; a woman who is a dog medium i.e. can communicate with dogs; an Irish-American New Yorker transplant who used his 500 words as a campaign speech rather than WRITING; and three forgetable other candidates, one of which also used her 500 words as stump speech…harmless people, well meaning though they be…all dead. Conservative, boring, sleepy Wisteria Lane, USA. Fine. Whatever.
I may reveal here my brilliant submission but I think already have wasted too much time on what clearly is no country for young men.
Off to get my Sominex™ & Metamucil. F*ckers.